2016-05-17 Tue

Service Canada Isn’t, Still, Again

I continue to assemble my full-length shot at The Pulitzer Prize.

You will recall that back on Thursday 28th April I documented the latest in the sago [sic] that is behind Service Bloody Canada’s false claim that Direct Deposit speeds things up. This claim continues to astound me now that I have THREE branches of the Royal Bank of Canada within five minutes walk of where I live, let alone those that I pass on my way up and down to St Clair Avenue twice a week, and so have ample opportunity to cash or deposit any paper cheques that come my way. Plus more BMO branches strewn across my path

Well, anyway, after Thursday28th April I waited until my blood pressure was back down to 128 over 69 with a resting pulse of 56 and began assembling documentation, starting with my original notes pencilled last November 18th  and terminating with a set of bank statements from both the RBC and the BMO banks, showing how the two cheques fluttered noiselessly, but inefficiently into the two accounts according to some random process – perhaps whether or not they fell money-side up.

I don’t know.

Well, anyway, after I had assembled all the penciled notes and bank statements, I waited until my blood pressure was once again back down to 128 over 69 with a resting pulse of 56 and this morning set off for the Service Canada Counters at City Hall.

Why walk down to City Hall instead of phoning Service Canada? Because my last three phone calls have been ineffective in getting Service Bloody Canada to consistently send my pension cheques to the correct bank. I thought that by showing my paperwork to a Real Human I might get Bloody Service Bloody Canada to make the necessary changes – it is, after all, a simple cut-and-paste, and I figured that someone might have a pot of glue down there somewhere.

Into City Hall, hang a left, and wait in the small queue for the opportunity to take a number (“Now serving number 00091” – do they really get over nine thousand people dropping in here each day?) and the pleasant-enough clerk tells me thay can’t help me here; I have to phone.

I tell her that I have phoned Service Canada Bloody–Repeatedly since last November but the zombies on the phone are incapable of effecting a small change. Or at least, are incapable of getting it to stick. (“He said he wanted his OAS to go into the BMO in March, so we made it do that just for March”)

“Come into this room” and we walk in, she dials a number and hands me the phone.

I say “I can wait on hold just as easily at home [with a hot cup of Lapsang Soo Chong]” but she says I won’t have to. I say “I’ve tried the phone and they can’t get it working” and she replies “Well, we can’t do anything for you here”.

What don’t YOU understand about Bloody Service Bloody Canada Bloody?

Daniel (not his real name, I’m guessing) comes on the other end and in a room full of bored people I have to say, out loud, my Social Insurance Number, Name, Date of Birth, Mother’s Maiden Name, Street Address, Postal Code please, Apartment Number, Phone Number – so that Bloody Service Bloody Canada Bloody’s puerile attempts at security have now blown my cover and identity to everyone within earshot.

We’ll get around to who should be shot in a moment.

Over a fifteen-minute period, Daniel tells me that he sees it all, Daniel says that he sees the errant deposits in February, March and April; Daniel tells me that “they may have set a future start date” and I tell Daniel that I turn seventy this year and would like the Future Start Date brought forward so that I may witness Direct Deposit functioning before I die.

Daniel puts me on hold for two minutes, then returns and tells me “I’ve updated that for you and going forward”

I don’t tell Daniel that I don’t believe him.

Daniel tells me too “I’ve put a note on it”.

I don’t tell Daniel that he’s a fool to wager on the outcome of any dealings with Service Canada.

Daniel re-assures me that it will work.

I assure Daniel that that is what every other parrot in Service Canada has told me since November of last year. Well, actually I didn’t use the word “parrot”, but there again, I didn’t use the word I wanted to use either, so I guess that makes us even.

Daniel suggests that in future I go on-line to change my banking, although I’m not at all sure that I want to go on-line every month to make my Direct Deposit payments to go to the same branch.

Daniel will send me a code, a “PIN” that I can use to access my account. I prepare to tell Daniel my email, but Oh No! They can’t send it by email.

They will send it by Canada Post and it should reach me within three to five days (“Ahem!”), sorry - three to five business days.

I walk out of there and cross over to Bell Trinity Square and try to cheer myself up with a medium Colombian with a chocolate croissant AND a chocolate cookie.

That almost works.

A bit like Service Canada.