Telemarketers Are Not Morons? - Friday, August 04, 2006

Logic tells me that if one drew a line, telemarketing firms would have to be on one side of the line or the other. Either they are moronic, or they are not moronic. If you see a gray area, move the line a little bit. There, now, either they are, or they are not moronic.

Let's assume they are moronic. In that case I shouldn't spend any time with them, and by comparison they ought not to spend time with me, because I am too smart for them.

Now let's assume they are not moronic. Let's say they are "smart".

In the morning, my telephone rings. I pick it up and answer "Chris Greaves", as is my wont. Silence. Then the click.

I know what happens next.

Three hours later my telephone rings. I pick it up and answer "Chris Greaves", as is my wont, and a young voice at the other end says "Could I speak to Chris Greaves please".

Right!

They weren't listening to what I said, they were dialing a number harvested this morning and the computer-generated script on their screen tells them to "ask for Chris Greaves". Which they do. Or at least, which they have just done.

I know that they are speaking to him, me. I'm the only one here.

I say, quite courteously, "Just a moment", put down the telephone on the desk, and continue trying to make the vacuum cleaner work. Or I continue hunting for the stack of blank CD disks that were underfoot as late as last week.

Whatever they are selling, I'm not buying. And I know that they won't buy what I sell (logic), so this does not have the promise of a long-term business relationship, whereas with just three more minutes work with this long-handled screwdriver, I might just get the vacuum cleaner open so that I can see the problem.

Once the beans have boiled for an hour, I take them off the stove and set them aside, and hang up the telephone.

If telemarketers were smart, they'd dream up a better way to attract my attention.

Giving me three hours notice is not smart.

Having a human trained NOT to listen to me is not smart.

Believing that I don't know it's a telemarketing call is not smart.

Hence I infer that telemarketers are moronic, and I don't waste my time with them.

On the other hand, I kept at least one young operative on hold for ten minutes this afternoon.

No, you don't need to thank me.

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