Scam Artists

There is nothing new under the sun. Especially not people scamming other people.

From the books I have read, back in the Elizabethan period in England Witches and Wizards and other clever people would be approached for help with an ailing cow, or child, or parent, or ...

The general suggested approach involved a phase of the moon, the time of night, some physical ingredients, and an incantation.

Here is my guaranteed way for you to luck into a million dollars:-

(1) Exactly six days after the Full Moon. And note that it has to be exactly six days – one hundred and forty four hours after the illuminated moon was at its apparent largest size. Not 143 hours, not 145 hours, but 144 hours

(2) Grind seventeen dandelion leaves in a pestle.

(3) On a mountain top, add a pint of boiling water to the ground leaves.

(4) Let them steep and cool for ten minutes.

(5) Feed the entire mix to the cow/child/parent while repeating “And Artists Elizabethan England Especially Exactly Feed From Full Grind Here I Let Moon Not On Scam The There Witches Wizards a add after ailing an and apparent approach approached at back be boiling books but child clever cool cow, cow/child/parent dandelion days dollars entire exactly for forty four general ground guaranteed has have help hours hours, hundred illuminated in incantation ingredients into involved is it its largest leaves luck million minutes mix moon, mountain my new night, not note nothing of one or other parent, people period pestle phase physical pint read, repeating scamming seventeen six size some steep suggested sun ten that the them time to top, under was water way while with would you” seventeen times.

If you do this, you will find a million dollars in your bank account tomorrow morning. Or your cow will give milk, your child pass exams, or your parent rewrite their will.

Whatever.

I charge one groat for each consultation and two groats for each return visit.

If it doesn’t work, check the following before calling me:-

(1) Was the full moon during daylight hours? If so, bad luck. Try again.

(2) Were the dandelion leaves freshly picked after you left home? Sorry. Try again.

(3) Were the dandelion leaves freshly picked on your climb up the mountain? Sorry. Try again.

(4) Were the dandelion leaves freshly picked at the top of the mountain? Sorry. Try again. And so on

(5) Did you steep the leaves for exactly ten minutes? Sorry. Next time bring your water-clock with you.

(6) Did your cow/child/parent swallow the entire broth? They vomited some of it up? Sorry. Try again.

(7) Did your cow/child/parent swallow the entire broth? Some dribbled over their chin? Sorry. Try again.

(8) Did you repeat all 120 words, not missing out a single one? Can you prove that? Sorry. Try again.

(9) Did you repeat all 120 words in one breath, or did you take all day? Sorry. Try again.

(10) Did you make seventeen repetitions, or might you have made one too many? Sorry. Try again.

And so on. Your list of hurdles can be as long as your imagination.

But wait! There comes the day when the peasant reports that the cow IS in milk, the child IS behaving normally, the parent HAS included you in the rewritten will.

There you see how clever you are? Just as soon as the peasant follows your instructions correctly, the charm works.

Exit one happy but scammed peasant.