Global Balding

Friday, December 04, 2009

I don't want to sound alarmist, but I have spotted a trend that should be a cause of deep concern for all mankind.

Over the past ten years or so I have noticed a state of increased baldness, not only locally, but amongst all my friends and colleagues.

In my own case it started almost imperceptibly with the advent of HiFi. I noticed one day that the band on top of the headphones could be felt against my scalp. "Too Tight", I thought, and adjusted the sliders but just then the 3rd movement of Tchaikovsky's sixth started up and I got distracted.

The mind is a strange thing. Within four weeks I had accepted that feeling as normal.

Business picked up and I was taking less time in the shower and bathroom, hurry, hurry hurry! And out the door. That the hair-drying ritual took only 5 seconds instead of 15 was another example of creeping hair loss, a tenth of second here, a tenth of a second there.

I now have a completely bare "ozone hole" atop my head, and since I change my friends every 10 years, everyone who knows me is used to it. If the Pastuch's come to visit next year, they will mainly notice wrinkles rather than baldness.

Many of my friends too are thinning. I notice it most when Bill gets a haircut, which he does now about once every four months. He is transformed from a shaggy looking guy to a smart and official looking businessman. He isn't a smart and official looking businessman, but the haircut seems to make him look like one. It lasts about a fortnight.

Something even more sinister is on my radar: Many of my friends are DYING after they start going bald. That didn't used to happen.

When I was in my forties, going bald was not such a big deal, but 20 years have flown by, and in some cases quite soon after I meet an old friend and notice their thinning hair, I get the news that they have dropped dead of cancer or a heart attack. Of course, people don't actually DROP dead of cancer, they tend to be lying in a bed, you know what I mean, but all the same, it is a noticeable progression and I am considering applying for a government grant to study this.

Dug up a photo taken of me in high-school. I could have been the third Everley Brother, and apart from a very bad case of acne, there was really very little preventing the girls from throwing themselves at me instead of at Phil or Don. After all, I was available.

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